Reging job & Sick of the game

Tuesday, 5th Oct 2010.
Aku sambung tido lepas alih kereta for hubby to go to work this a.m. And dgn bengongnye aku dikejutkan oleh si mengah HR tanya aku nak kerja night shift in ED tak tonite... dengan segeranye aku jawab (ala-ala drama).. "No, no, no!". Like I sed before.. aku tak hingin nak kerja more than my rostered job, I really appreciate my days off.
Tulisan aku hari ni hambar saja coz sememangnye aku takde mood & jiwa aku tak berapa tenteram despite the sun is out there. Ye, jiwa aku ni memang dah lama dah tak tenteram, kalau ikutkan sejak tiba di bumi asing ni.. or could be lama lagi dari tu..

Didnt do much the rest of the day. Ingat nak ajak Dr. HAK study or gi city, mana tau ada chance to meet Tun Dr. Mahathir Mohammad while he's here. Tapi Dr. HAK plak rajin bebeno buat locum kat orthopaedic ward plak hari ni. And due to security & health reason, mcm tak berpeluang je nak jumpa dgn Tun. Aku teringin sangat nak jumpa dia sementara dia masih ada ni.
Went to get the mails from the mailbox, semalam neither of us went to get them. Dapat dah surat perlantikan jawatan registrar in ED for next year from the hospital. Alhamdulillah.
The reason aku menanti-nantikan sangat surat tu ialah to have a black & white confirmation that aku akan berduit next year. Other than that, aku not that excited as much as what I thot I should be.
Teringat masa kerja kat ED semalam. Seperti biasa, aku kalau hal-hal terpaksa kerja ni memang hati aku memberontak sakan. Aku tgh buat cover rotation yg amat bodo ni. Dicampak di mana2 sahaja for a short period, tanpa ada improvement in my personal or professional development, dan juga tak membantu apa2 pon kat patients yg need continuity of care, nor does any good to the home team yg kami cover doctors ni menumpang.

And semalam seolah-olah confirmed that how much I hate unappreciative rude stoopid patients & I want to do pathology instead, working in the lab, forgeting all my doctor-patient skills. Aku benci memikirkan ED di sini menjadi mangsa mainan politicians bodo Australia ni. Aku benci memikirkan keadaan healthcare system Australia, especially Victoria ni, is crumbling bad cam tunggu masa telur kat hujung tanduk tu nak jatuh & berderai je. Aussie gov lebih suka spend billions on war against this arbitrary term of keganasan, than improving the crushing health care system. Malu aku memikirkan yg Australia ni adalah negara maju, sedangkan health care systemnye... huh... urut dada je la aku.

Aku menyampah memikirkan doctors dianaktirikan sampai cam ni skali. Aku rasa takde career lain dlm dunia ni yg put doctors wellbeing rock bottom selain doctors in the public system... cleaners pon dilayan lebih mulia dari doctors, especially doctors in training. Kalau u guys see how people in Australia treat the IMG docs lagi la kesian. Orang selalu ingat when u hv the title doctor, wah, hidup u sgt best walaupon busy. Tapi ppl dont know how low doctors are in the list of ppl to be cared about, tak kira la dari HR ke, government ke, patients ka, media ke, public ke... Cuma boleh harap menumpang kasih dari keluarga & pasangan sendiri, dan jugak sahabat-handai yg sudi. Kalau ada sorang doctor buat salah, waaahh, satu dunia berpadu tenaga kutuk stereotyping doctors.
Semakin aku terasa nak cabut je dari dunia doctor ni, provided that aku & org2 yg aku sayang kenalah jaga kesihatan/keselamatan diri supaya tak perlu jumpa doctor at all.

Chatted with my old roommate masa kat asrama dulu. Dia baru lepas bersalin anak ke-3. Sejak dia dtg sini sambung study ~1++yrs ago, aku tak berkesempatan nak jumpa dia or sapa2 pun. Ye la, dgn career aku yg sebegini memang la kehidupan sosial sangat merudum. Dia sekeluarga tinggal kat Marybirnong, which is in the north west area of Victoria jauh gila frm my place. InsyaAllah kalau berkesempatan this month or next month aku nak gi visit dia. That reminds me aku ada hutang nak jumpa lagi 2 families since months ago. Uhuks!!

Setelah bermalas-malasan mengenang nasib diri on the couch, aku tergerak hati nak keluar get some groceries kat Chadstone Shopping Centre. Lenguh gak angkat barang yg berat2 tu sorang-sorang. Balik tu went to get some petrol. Mamat depan aku yg empunya kereta besar kaler hitam berkilat terhegeh2 isi petrol ckp sorry pasal dia slow motion sgt. Aku tak kisah sgt pon, coz aku seronok berjemur mengadap matahari petang dlm kereta sambil dengar mp3 melayan perasaan & jiwa kosongku. But bagusla, wujud lagi rupanye manusia sopan kat bumi Victoria ni.

Banyak kali jugak aku call M'sia hari ni. Rindu nak dgr suara diorang. (Ye la, diorang takde depan mata...)
Went for a walk with hubby around Chadstone/ Huntingdale area. These are some of the flowers yg kami jumpa sepanjang our walk tadi..

Padang kat depan tu ialah padang bola yg aku, hubby & adik kecik aku
main bola sepak last year when abah & adik kecik came to visit.

I try to spend masa berdua as much as possible coz its important to me. Time with my loved ones are alwiz important to me. Aku rasa macam masa aku dgn mereka tak lama, and selalunye bila aku sorang-sorang aku akan rasa sangat lonely.. People think that I'm a good chatterbox, but little do they know that this chatterbox of mine is masking a whole lot of emptiness that I feel inside..
My life is very lonely...