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Friday, January 01, 2010

Buka buku baru... 2010...

The 1st day of 2010 dah nak abis dah. Nuthing much done today, mostly spent the day sulking. Rugi kan? Memang, in my right mind aku memang rasa rugi. Looking back, yes, in the past years since I came to Australia, most of my waking hours have been spent by sulking & remembering the past, other than struggling with my studies. Rugi tak? Memang pon. My right mind has always realized that.

2009 just passed. I have to admit that 2009 was sooo much better than 2008, 2008 was of course better than 2007. Ni overall statement je. Working life in 2009 was better. I was finally working in a metropolitan area, alhamdulillah, hence I was finally free from dunia whoop whoop. Whoop whoop was one of the major contributors to my depression in the past 2 years. The other big one was the Yang Berhormats. A few of the big factors that were kinda hindering my recovery: probably my personality, in which I expect the best out of everything in life when I know that am giving the best to the world. The depression has made me a constricted angry person. Also my career as a medical profession somehow menyebabkan I didnt really ask for help when deep down I knew I needed help. Sumer sebab tak nak dipandang hina oleh org lain. And to me asking for help in this sense is a sign of weakness in my part. Dipendekkan cerita, after all that, wedding in 2008. Off work for some months, having fun with life. Okay, tu citer in 2007, 2008.

Buku 2009.
Last nite pegi tgk fireworks in the city. Dalam hujan. Such a disappointing session, considering its all our taxpayer $$$$$!! Huh! Oh well, apa nak buat, kuasa Allah swt. Fireworks from last few years were definitely better than this one. Oh well. Sebelum tu jalan beribu-ribu km cari pharmacy yg bukak coz my dear hubby lupa bawak his asthma pump. Of course la takde yg bukak & we missed dinner becoz of that. And aku cam biasa, mesti la ngamuk2 bila lapar, maklumla otak dah jadi sama cam perut... kosong!

The weekend before kami pegi dear 'ol Wilson's Prom dgn Ly & family. Love the sea. Virgin beach. Cantik. Mengingatkan aku when we had our honewmoon in Tioman Island in 2008. Dan juga all of my beach holidays wit family in the years before. Alwiz love the sea. Mendamaikan. Spent a few hours kat Wilson's Prom, rasa cam tak puas. Great company too. Oh well, next time pegi lagi, kalau tpt tu tak hancur dek bushfire. =P

December.. my Victorian license, my new metal baby (and 4 wks post ada segaris calar seb baik catnye saje...d'oh), my new Coach handbag. Also I'm getting used to the new rotation & the people there, despite the fact aku kureng minat the specialty.
Months back... 2 annual leaves, cuti in M'sia (saaangaaat best!.. dan akhirnye aku tau tepung gomak tu apa), dad & brothers came to visit, lotsa night shifts (whoohooo!), improving social life, worsening social life with some ppl (uhuh), movies, jalan-jalan, great work especially in ED, great work with the nurses (they are soooo much better here than those in the Whoop Whoop), better cooking skills (hehehee... perasan), visits from friends from far, back on track with sports & boardgames, Cari.com, etc. Memang tahun 2009 sangat best to me. Alhamdulillah. And here I am kembali aktif dlm blog :P

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Looking back, for the sooo many years back, I have been disappointed in everything around me. Call me PD, but thats how I am. I expect the best in everything, merely coz I feel like I've given my best to all. I believe that I deserve the best in return.
Simple example. I have all my time in the world for patients when I'm working nights. But if the nurse who's working on the ward sucks, stupid & rude, that really pisses me off. I do my job properly, I expect them to do their job properly & not to be dumb. Is that too much to ask for? Or aku punya la sopan kat counter nak bayar, then the cashier plak kurang ajar or racist. Memang rasa nak tampar je budak bangang tu.
Consider me OCD as well. When my trust's betrayed, of course I'm hurt. So I let go of that particular hope. Kiranye dah give up la.
Contohnye cam nurse2 bodo tadi tu. Kalau dah tetiap hari gaduh je coz diorang bodo. Lama2 aku give up la kan. Tau dah diorang ni memang useless & hopeless. Baik aku buat kerja aku elok2. Malas la nak layan org2 bodo yg takde harapan ni. Yang penting aku selamat & patients selamat. Adoh! And budak bodo cashier tu, tu la pasal dia jadi cashier kot.. sad to say that. And aku patutnye tak perlu layan my anger sangat & sambung shopping tpt lain.
Hahahaha.. dramatic kan? Tu la. Aku yg emo.

A fren of mine ckp once we expect too much from others then we actually set ourself open to be hurt.. coz if the expectation not met, then we'll be disappointed. If the expectation is met, we'll ask for more, thus further prospective pain. The best thing is to not expect too much. Give ur all, but protect urself from being hurt by doakan yg terbaik for the other party... and be happy with ur own life, appreciate what u already have & work for ur own life. Yang lain tu are those spices in ur life.. semua pun ada nilainye, tapi kita tak masukkan sumer all at once in setiap masakan.
Hmm.. if it is as easy as that...
(Tapi dia ni memang baik sangat2.. no wonder la murah rezeki & sane alwiz... I really admire this person)

Memang betul pun apa dia cakap. And I have been trying to incorporate this in my life since 2009. That's one of my resolutions then. I am happier in life in 2009, than in 2008 and of course 2007. Still I am as emo as I am now.. haha, ngada-ngada betul. Like ppl at work ckp.. PD! Mebbie...

Well.. therefore, this is my list of my 2010's resolutions (this is very unusual of me):
- To be happy... smell the flowers & enjoy the sun... if I'm not happy to be here in Australia, at least I appreciate Allah's creations around me. Alhamdulillah... I will try to work on my mood swings & seasonal depression (depression in winter/cold weather).. coz I kno, at least I am not in Whoop Whoop anymore :)
- To remember more about all the good memories in life :) & try to let go all the undesireable ones.- To work on my anger issues, and to work on my expectation to others... when I start to feel that others are hopeless or useless, I will take a step back & breathe & move on.. its not worth to dwell on my disappointment for too long..- To work on my career.. I dont like what I'm doing, but at least I can be good in whatever I'm doing. Tak nak jadi dumb cam those yg aku kutuk kat atas tadi tu. So.. learn as much as I can & excel, even if that means aku kena study the whole medicine again.. takpe la. Asalkan tak jadi bodo dah la. Or mebbie aku bleh buat sth totally different now dah jadi PR. Life is beautiful & fulfilling if I make it to be.. :)- Jaga body, jaga makan, jaga kulit.. I've been neglecting myself for too long now. Masa zaman depression dulu I lost interest in everything in life. I didnt exercise, I didnt go play sports, I binged food & ate junk, I had yo-yo diet, I didnt sleep well, I didnt look afta my skin... seb baik each time balik M'sia kulit aku jadi elok & kalau gemuks pon never jatuh dlm group overweight, cuma tak muat baju je. I have started getting back on track. Senaman regularly, eating balanced diet, quality sleep, etc. Semuanye persistent hopefully. Takde cheat day coz I love my body every single second of my life :)
- To rely less on sleeping tablets & painkillers. I've been good for the past year, tak macam in years 2007, 2008. Mebbie 2-3 of 1/2tab Stilnox sepanjang thn 2009.. mebbie coz I sleep better now, or mebbie coz I take antihistamines more than Stilnox, simply coz they r cheaper than Stilnox. heheheh.. but I want to rely less on these either, only on emergencies. Also rely less on painkillers for my myalgia & headaches, unless, of course, emergencies :D
- To take care of my car better & to drive better :)- To be more organized with my life :) and kena continue dgn all those filing system yg dah start last few yrs. and kena kurangkan bergayut kat internet lama sangat :D Also to improve my OCD techniques, like Ab. F, boleh Ly? :D- To save more $$.. also to shop more wisely, to minimise waste, mend more, blablabla...beli rumah kat M'sia mebbie :)
- To improve my cooking skills :)- To garden more :) & care for the environment more :)
- To be closer to the creative side of mine :) blajar more from Ly mebbie..ya kno all those crafts, beads, etc.
- To belajar tahan sejuk more :P
- To play more :D gaems, sports, boardgames, all :D
- To improve my social life more :) 2009 was great, it should be better this year :)
- To go for more adventures in life :)- To do more for my family :) and those precious people around me :)- Last but not least... most important... to work on my already gloomy marriage.. cannot imagine myself without hubby... ramai balak-balak comel around me especially at work but my life is only with hubby & our offsprings.. insyaAllah.

There.... banyaaaknyeee.... mana pergi resolution utk Yang Berhormats? Takde.. coz aku just nak ignore them & ignore my emotional responses when it comes to them... kiranye cognitive-behavioural therapy la ni. nak preserve my sanity... they dont deserve my brain cells or anything from me.. so just buat donno.. bukan bermakna aku dah maafkan diorang, aku just nak ignore them & go on with my life.. kalau ada any encounter with them... I'll try my best to stay strong & content...

Okays.. I want to go get some fresh air & then tido...

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