My body is still aching all over with a little bit of headache. Still belom recover from A.M. shift yesterday. Kebodohan timetable menyebabkan aku (and I'm sure other HMOs too) terpaksa jadi bengong. Ada ke patut semalam aku kerja shift pagi, then hari ni aku kerja shift malam plak. Punya bersungguh2 nak stay up so that I could sleep during the day today. Tapi tak berjaya. I went to bed around midnite & woke up at 12pm... with a big headache. Kalau nak berjaga sampai kerja malam which starts at 11pm & abis kol 8.30am, memang menempah maut la aku. Kalau kerja ward takpe. Ni kerja ED yg always constant & meletihkan.
I love ED. But aku menyampah dgn the timetable. BODOHS! I am happy enuf to do shift work, but all I ask is some consideration on their part, memandangkan nak cari org yg suka ED cam aku ni memang susah nowadays. Benci aku dgn org2 bangang ni.
Anyways, mcm biasa smlm kerja pagi aku sampai lambat 10minutes. Morning shift is not my forte but I prefer morning shifts in ED coz patient tak brapa ramai. Seperti biasa bosses aku akan pandang aku semacam coz aku lambat & mamai kat depan handover board. Sampai nak terlanggar one of them masa aku dok berlegar2 kat situ. And seperti biasa kerja aku masih lambat walaupon dah minggu ke-2 kerja kat ED ni.
Ada sorang consultant ni yg aku sedaya upaya nak mengelak from talking to him coz he is scary. I've seen him yelled at some IMG residents. He once yelled at me over the fon in my last rotation coz aku tanya dia some questions yg to him were irrelevant masa nak admit patient. Aku tanya dia other possible diagnoses dah ruled out ke since presentation patient tu collapse. Dia marah coz dah sah2 org tu collapse pasal PR bleeding. Duh! Aku still rasa that question was relevant to the patient.
Anyways, ntah cam mana semalam takleh mengelak lagi. Aku kat dlm bilik doctor tgh tulis notes. Dia pon sama. Org lain dah kuar gi buat kerja lain. Aku ingat nak lari je, tapi kang nampak obvious plak. So aku buat2 la cool. Dia bleh je start borak2 dgn aku. Aku yang takut2 tu pon terpaksa la layan. Dia ckp ramai consultant impressed dgn cara aku buat kerja & diorang especially impressed sebab aku nak jadi ED physician. Hohoho. Aku yg tengah mamai2 tu pon bleh terjaga jap. Uish, biar betul org tua ni. Aku pon layan la dia dgn merendah diri serendah2nye.. aku ckp aku ni slow, still dumb & still scared of lotsa stuff most of the times. Aku ckp aku rasa cam ni coz aku took sometime off last year, so now kiranye cam intern la jugak coz aku still tak tau byk.
Hehehhehee... nak tau apa dia ckp? To my surprise actually. Sampai tak tau apa nak react or say. Dia ckp aku bagus & ramai org impressed dgn aku. Hmm.. ada gak org ckp pasal aku ye. Pas tu dia bleh je ckp kat aku yg aku ni too harsh on myself. The level lower than me is intern, and dia kata aku takleh nak compare dgn diorang or dgn registrar coz aku resident. A 2nd yr resident, plus aku amik sometime off last year. So, aku allowed to be a little less than the registrars, as long as aku continue to learn from it. Terstunned aku sekejap. Tersipu2 kejap kat situ. Aku harap resident2 lain yg kuar masuk kat situ takde la cemburu dgn aku. (Nothing hurts me more than kalau a boss pilih kasih & hina kawan2 aku yg lain.. coz I'm not that great either.. I've been in that position before.. it hurts).
I think most people who are close to me know that I have problems with self-esteem since that bloody accident I had during my student year. Aku kalau boleh tak nak ingat2 lagi pasal tu. Because of that, I lost interest in everything in life. And now I'm slowly trying to recover back. Kinda regret that I didnt (.. or couldnt) fight back the depression, like everyone else, hence my life now. Aku still rasa kalau I was a little bit stronger, mesti aku tak sesewel ini now. Life could have been better. Hence, me being perasan or narcissistic (seperti kata hubby) is my way of coping mechanism to life dumps. I need to stand up, back on my feet, back on track. Other issues in life and on top of this racism thingy I face everyday especially masa internship kat country area.. that was the lowest point in my life la.
Nak kupas sket pasal my experience kat situ: being in the country during my internship, where ppl were racist (more than wat I've faced all thru out my life since I got here in Australia), lagi la aku kemurungan. Orang2 kat country area ni ada penyakit Islamophobia & being the only Muslimah yg pakai tudung kat situ, made my life even more miserable. Ramai Muslim women kat situ yg terpaksa bukak tudung coz of the way the community treat them. Salute them. And sejak aku dtg Au ni, I've tried to improve myself, tak kira dp segi language (walaupon kurang bagus still) or appearane or work. Ye la Aussies ni kalau kita tak ckp cam diorang or tak rupa cam diorang, diorang wont accept us. Aku try nak jadi normal & to be accepted, but alas, still sama... I'm still an outcast.. sama since I was little until now. All I want is for these people to see and accept that even tho Islam is a way of life to the Muslims, we are all earthlings... we are all the same. And.. dont forget that bukan org Islam je yg terrorists, org Christian, Buddist (cam kat North Korea tu), Hindu, Jewish pon raaaaamaaaaaiii lagi yg terrorists but it seems like the world is happy for them.
Back to wat happened yesterday. Yes, I was happy. Tersemangat sket nak buat kerja hari tu. Semoga hari2 akan datang aku akan jadi lagi bagus dp semalam. Aku harap Allaw swt continue to give me strength to face life & menetapkan semangat aku to continue training in ED. Hahahaha.. kang haru je bila boss2 ni tau later down the track aku jadi menda lain plak. Tapi tu in the future, kita hanya mampu merancang & berdoa, Allah swt yg menentukan. Ye tak?
Badan aku still sakit2 lagi ni, especially my back & my neck. I have a long standing back pain issue, especially since aku berhenti sports/ martial arts & accident bodo tu. Hopefully tak mati jap lagi coz I've overdosed myself with lotsa painkillers. Managed to take a 2 hour nap earlier as well.