It was such a dumb night. So so so busy. I want to continue whinging, but mebbie some other time. Things that held me back last night was the ever complex renal patients, multiple admissions, special care nursery for neonates, emergency appendicitis & induced-come-emergency-C-section. The whole night shift is probably better than when I was doing surgical nights. Not so much on dumb calls from the nurses, it just the whole science behind the medicine I'm covering is very professionally & intellectually challenging. It drives me nuts for not knowing, but it also a some sort of drive for me to learn more.
Oh, coming back from work I had my bad nausea again.. dont get me wrong, its only my stoopid gastritis, am taking esomeprazole for it. I'm not pregnant. I think its playing up recently due to me drinking soda too much, stress & not eating that well. What a terrible feeling, seb baik tak muntah dlm kereta tadi.
Anyhow... thats not the thing that I wanted to babble about here.
For the first time since I started paeds, I picked up a healthy clean days old term baby. Selalunye its either straight from the womb or sick newborns in the special care. & selalunye that kinda turn me off to have my own baby at the moment. But last nite was different. I actually picked up a clean one, a dry one, a healthy newborn. And the amazing thing is, it happened out of my own willingness.
I was hanging around the maternity ward due to the call for an emergency instrumental delivery on an induced of pregnancy of a post-term mum, a primi. (This one went to C-section afterwards due to failure to progress & prolonged ruptured of membrane). Since waiting for a delivery takes aaagess anyways, I sorta lepak panicking myself coz in the middle of early a.m, by myself, blablabla. Then I heard this cry from the nursing station closeby. Very soft cry. I was kinda interested to have a look.. & there it was, a baby boy at the back of the room next to a loud radio, where the midwives lepak2 usually.
So I picked him up. He's a fair sized baby boy, quite besar dlm 3.3kg, just came to this world that arvo. Berat. Hehehhee. An Asian baby boy with the most beautiful big eyes I've every seen. The face is just the right size & round. He stopped crying when I picked him up. Coomeeeelllll!!!
I couldnt stop myself from stroking the cheeks. I wanted to feel how soft the skin was, apart from wanting to see the root & sucking reflex (when u stroke the cheek, it will turn head towards the stroked cheek, when u touch the lips, it will try to suck). Soooo soofffftt!!! Terharu! Then he looked at me, of course he didnt smile (first few weeks of life babies' smiles are purposeless, simply muscles twitching & no emotional meaning). But by just looking at the face was sorta soothing, all my panicking & tiredness of non-stop the whole nite sorta melted away... Wow! Comel. Terasa nak curi. Gerammm!!
Then I played with the fingers. Soo tiny. So soft. And there's the grasp reflex (they will grasp ur finger when u touch the palm), doesnt matter that, but I kinda felt the connection. Huhuhu.. comelnyeee. Geram. Comelnye pipi dia. Soooo gebu. He's a well behaved young man. Aaahhh.. terjatuh cinta. I think I'm going clucky.
I stayed with him for about half an hour before running to the theater. Couldnt stop looking & touching him. I knew I was not allowed to kiss him, but I did, just to say goodbye. I was quite sad to put him down back in the cot. He didnt cry of course, just comfy sucking on to his fingers. (Again its a way for newborn to release stress.. get everything into their mouth/ tummy.. mesti dia stress aku kena pegi.. ahaks.. but baby, I'm not ur mummy... unless kalau aku curi dia). Huhuhuhuuuu.... comel.
I sorta realized that I'm getting clucky. Maybe. At least some part of me. The other parts kno that I've got sooo much going on & to settle at the moment. But that part of cluckiness, its kinda real. Maybe I am ready. I sorta want to have a baby of my own with hubby, my darah daging. It must be an amazing extraordinary experience from the very start of getting preggie to the moment the baby is on ur chest afta labour. Aaahh... comelnye baby tadi tu. Then reality hit me despite of that part of me being clucky... leceh mengandung & sakit bersalin & leceh post bersalin. And mcm2 hal from the morning sickness, kureng selesa masa dah buyot, night wake ups, to when baby's unwell, to the $$$ invloved. Maybe I'm not quite ready yet ready.
Or maybe I am. If I curi one of the good babies. =)