Main reason is, setiap kali aku bukak computer to do something that's not related to study mesti aku akan rasa bersalah. Sebab rasa bersalah maka aku pon akan paksa diri bukak buku. Kalau tak paksa, sure hanyut masa surfing the net. My social life pon ntah ke mana sampai kawan2 sumer komplen that diorang sangat susah nak jumpa or even talk to me now.
Like I've alwiz mentioned all this while.. July & August memang ialah bulan paling stressful utk semua junior docs (sampai ke tahap registrar) becoz this is the time sumer org sibuk doing their job application for next year. Serious stressful. Setiap tahun kena update CV + cover letter, kena reapply, kena wait for the call for the interview, kena go for the interview, kena wait for the job offer, etc.
Me stressing out in this new rotation + this job application thingy.. ish.. seriously rasa cam nak muntah everyday.
Dapur pon tak berapa berasap selain dp masak air and masak maggi (cepat dimasak sedap dimakan gitu.. ehehhe).
Our friends Encik IS & his wife K.Z & their kids went back to Singapore on Friday, they sed mebbie for a few months.. tak tau la. I really wish them well in & out.
Friday aku on call for the hospital. Patut pegi airport dgn TTM to say goodbye to IS & family, tapi tak jadi. I was woken up by a call from the hospital kata aku kena cover Respiratory medicine for today. Aku like... wwoooo.. they cant be serious. Aku pegi city first to send in my application to the Australasian College of Emergency Medicine. Then baru pegi spital, masa dah nak dekat tengah hari. Bosan betul kerja kat ward ni, dah la ada clinic la, meeting la sumer tu. But all in all its kinda refreshing & enlightening to be covering something yg aku takde kena-mengena with once in a while. The respiratory team sangat baik & friendly.
The day before, Khamis, ada combined tute Anaesthetics, ED, ICU. It was about haemoptysis & its management. Ada simulation jugak.. waarrgghhh.. terasa kecut je perut. Terasa diri ini amat kecil, coz sekeliling aku semuanye org2 bijak bistari.. huhuhu... and like alwiz, I managed to make a fool of myself in front of everyone. Herkk!!
Cakap pasal application for a job next year ni. Aku cam hmm... still resah-gelisah tak tau nak buat apa. Kalau boleh nak pegi study civil engineering ke, some sort of business studies ke. Went to see the head of ED kat spital tu discussing about job next year, considering that deep in my heart aku still tak tau nak buat apa but I kno the fields that I dont like. She was talking about its time for me to step up from being a resident to be a registrar & go apply to the college quick. Had a long discussion with some of the bosses as well. Aku directly ckp aku memang nervous & stressing out about next year coz aku ckp aku still tak tau byk menda & takut tak ready jadi registrar, pretty much I'm comfortable being a resident la kiranya. (Anaesthetic is making me feel sooo dumb, and I can say that my self-esteem is now rock bottom). Tu la pasal aku tak apply2 lagi sampai now. Dipendekkan cerita, she said she is putting me on the junior registrar list for next year & suruh aku hantar application now so that aku dapat study material online for the exams. Hence me handing in my form to the college on Friday.
Mixed feelings there.. boleh ke tak aku ni, boleh ke tak, boleh ke tak...
but, I really hope that everything goes well with that and the coming interview with the ED people nanti. All I can say is Alhamdulillah, Allah swt masih memberi aku peluang in this life... (doakan aku ye, people).
Pernah di suatu ketika dulu when I was in the whoop whoop doing my internship.. aku hampir-hampir putus asa with this life. Inside I gave up totally. Tak perlulah aku ceritakan apa yg aku lalui masa tu, yeah, I was really crooked. It was really difficult when you are alwiz fighting with ur own mind.
Abah selalu nasihat aku supaya sabar. Tapi yg aku mampu buat cuma bayangkan alangkah indahnye dunia ni pada semua org kalau aku takde depan mata diorang.. Aku ingat lagi dia cakap, whatever job u do the initial time is alwiz the hardest, its like a newborn baby, first 24hours memang critical, then the first month, then the first year of life and so on...
Dipendekkan cerita, Alhamdulillah, aku tak lagi rasa that low now even though my self-esteem ada sedikit tercalar. Aku sayang hubby, my family & orang-orang yg help me survive in this foreign land...
Yesterday supposedly ada this pro-bono anaesthetic/ surgery thingy kat spital. I didnt go, wasnt rostered for Saturday & I wanted to just rest & study at home. Member aku yg kerja Saturday mintak aku cover for his Ortho/ Trauma list so that he could go to the charity list (and suck up kat boss aku). But I sed I couldnt, was going away.
I was thinking of making some food utk the people who volunteered tapi dah bangun pon lambat kan.. hmm.. kirim salam je la.
Oh ye, hubby yg baik hati made lunch for me.. simple bread rolls with smoked salmon & some cheese platter to go with that. Dah aku dari pagi memang gundah-gulana je sampai takleh function.. ish..
My orangy lunch :) Thanks hubby.Malam plak pegi dinner makan-makan kat rumah Dr. ZJ & Dr. SN, sempena menyambut Ramaddhan minggu lagi satu nanti. Dia masak laksa kedah. Quite refreshing to meet up with other people & chat around about work (oh noooo!!) and life. Nampaknye ramai dah made up their mind about their career pathway including Dr. ZJ who's wanting to do Anaesthetics & the hubby who's wanting to do surgery/ critical care year next year. Dr. ZF applied for paeds all around Australia, while others ada yg nak buat surgery, medicine, O&G, GP..
Dr. HAK & Dr AI takde coz diorang bercuti di Philip Island youuuuu.. Hahaha. Dr. HAK has changed her mind from surgery to.. most likely ED, like me. I'm kinda excited she's changed her mind, at least there's someone to study with for the March 2011 exams. Dr. AI has decided to take a year off to rethink of her career choice.. if she doesnt think medicine is going to be her life, she'll be doing something else, most probably with her dad. Oh well, she's lucky though to have that kind of support. The rest of us... its alwiz like 'survival of the fittest'.. sapa la nak bayar utang kereta aku tu wooiii kalau aku tak kerja next year... susah.. susah...
Today hubby went to the Tree Day activity, tanam pokok kat Mt Waverley reserve. Aku tak ikut. When he got back, he was thrilled with what they did today. Dia kata seronok beramai2 tanam pokok & dia blaja byk about trees. Glad he enjoyed it. Me? Ntah apa-apa je aku buat kat rumah pagi tadi...
Now is waiting for a confirmation from Dr. MJ about dinner tonite. Kalau ikutkan hati mmg aku tak nak pegi coz ingat nak study je. But I guess if I study now, pulun abis2 yg boleh, mebbie boleh dinner kejap kat city with them all. Tapi nak balik awallah coz esok start awal.